About so much.
And it’s odd because, well, I had this blog post all planned out… I knew what I was going to say and how I was going to say it. Then, I sat down and read my horoscope for today and I had to laugh.
You may keep your thoughts and feelings to yourself today because you're embarrassed by what you want. Although you believe that your little secret is safe, you're probably more transparent than you think. Your closest friends will suspect that you're holding something back, but they know you well enough not to pry. Thankfully, your current shyness will pass if you can just get over your fears and insecurities. Your smartest strategy is sharing your inner process with a trustworthy friend.
Why is this funny? Because it’s true. I am embarrassed by what I want, mainly because it won’t benefit anyone but myself. Is that wrong? Not by any means, however, sometimes when you’re a wife and a mother, you put yourself last out of necessity. The down side to all this is, by the time you’ve been married for fourteen years (almost) and your kids are nine and eleven, you’ve been doing it for so long that you don’t even remember how to put yourself first.
The second sentence is beyond true as well. I pride myself on being rather adept at hiding my real feelings, however, when it comes to those that really do know me well, it’s a lost cause. I’m more than transparent… I’m, I dunno, completely see through, I suppose.
However, the good news is, that, according to the stars in the heavens my *cough* shyness will soon pass… Hmmm… I suppose that’s a good thing, in the long run.
So, back to the real subject I came here to talk about. Getting serious. And, truthfully, this does apply to my horoscope above because my real desire is to buckle down and really become an author somehow. I don’t consider myself that at the moment because I feel like a dabbler, a writer, a fly-by-night person who just happens to put words to the page on occasion. That’s not good enough.
The question is, how do I do this?
The simple answer is: get serious. Don’t just take time, but make time. Make it a priority.
And stop doubting yourself.
That last item,that one about doubt? That’s the hardest part of all of this. I’ve lived my life in a cloud of doubt and sometimes it’s held me back, but sometimes it’s also kept me from making stupid mistakes. The trick now is to figure out which is which and, if I’m only holding myself back because I’m unsure, I need to stop. Now.
In that respect, I’ve at least done one, silly, stupid thing that has given me a tiny bit of confidence. I bought a new writing folder this morning. I couldn’t afford it, but it called to me. And it’s lovely. Black with a white and grey design. Zipper close. Three rings. And an accordion file built in! Score! So happily beats my writer’s heart.
And you’re all laughing now. You’re welcome. But it’s okay. This is a good thing, this getting excited over something so silly. Why? Because I am excited, and excited about my writing again.
That, for me at least, is worth being excited about.
